The Self-Discipline Trap

Read time: 5 minutes

Hey internet friends,

Last week, we explored hyper self-awareness and how catching your own counterproductive thoughts creates a competitive advantage.

​You can read that (and all past issues, here).

By the way, if you're finding these insights helpful, I've started collecting all these tools, resources, and one-sheets in the ever-growing 'Science of Success' vault. Check it out here for additional materials on today's topic and more.

Today, I want to challenge a fundamental misconception about something we all struggle with:

Self-discipline isn't forcing yourself to do hard things.

It's falling in love with who you'll become by doing them.

Before I do that - let me level with you. I struggle with discipline like the rest of you. One of my greatest challenges? My phone. I'm as addicted to the dopamine scrolling as anyone - so my solution every few months? Take myself to a cabin in the woods for a full detox.

I book through "Unplugged" and am kind of obsessed with the concept, model and simplicity. It's not fancy, and that's what I love about it. Just me, a cabin, a fire, nature, some food and my thoughts. Intense? Yes. Amazing? 100%.

Anyway, the main thing to know is - as much as I'll talk about discipline to help others here - when all else fails, just take yourself away from your phone (and bring a camera so you can still capture it!)....

The Discipline Paradox

Most of us have been taught a warped version of discipline. We believe it's about gritted teeth and white knuckles – forcing ourselves to endure discomfort through sheer willpower.

We wake up early because "successful people are early risers." We follow rigid diets because "no pain, no gain." We power through burnout because "hustle is the price of success."

This approach works... briefly. Then it collapses spectacularly.

I know because I've lived this cycle repeatedly. During my first company, I prided myself on my "discipline" – working 16-hour days, sleeping minimally, pushing through exhaustion. I thought this relentless self-punishment was the hallmark of a dedicated entrepreneur.

The result? Crippling insomnia, debilitating anxiety, and ultimately, a business failure that could have been avoided had I been functioning at full capacity.

What I didn't understand then was that I wasn't practising discipline. I was practising self-violence.

The Hidden Engine of Sustainable Discipline

Here's what we misunderstand about truly disciplined people: they're not motivated by self-hatred. They're motivated by profound self-love.

They're not forcing themselves toward some arbitrary standard. They're moving toward a vision of themselves they've genuinely fallen in love with.

The difference is subtle but transformative. One path leads to burnout; the other to flourishing.

When Discipline Becomes Self-Harm

You can spot discipline driven by self-hatred through these warning signs:

The voice in your head speaks harshly when you fall short ("You're pathetic, you can't even stick to this simple routine").

You're motivated primarily by fear of failure or inadequacy rather than excitement about growth.

You derive more satisfaction from the suffering of the process than from progress toward your vision.

You hide or deny your struggles because vulnerability feels like weakness.

Your "discipline" creates collateral damage in other areas of your life – relationships suffer, health deteriorates, joy diminishes.

This pattern is alarmingly common in high-achievers. We convince ourselves that self-brutality is the price of excellence.

The Self-Love Alternative

The sustainable approach to discipline looks radically different. It begins with a love affair with your future self.

When I started Heights after my burnout recovery, I took a completely different approach. Rather than forcing myself to work beyond my limits, I became deeply curious about who I could become through sustainable practices.

What might be possible if I prioritised sleep instead of sacrificing it? How might my creativity expand if I built in recovery time? What kind of leader could I be if I operated from a place of wholeness rather than depletion?

This shift was less about changing specific habits and more about changing the relationship with myself that underpinned them.

The Practice of Loving Discipline

Here's how this transformation looks in practice:

Vision Before Vigour

Before establishing any practice or routine, spend time developing a vivid, compelling vision of the person you're becoming. Not just the external achievements, but the internal qualities and capacity.

When I was recovering from burnout, I didn't just envision building a successful company. I envisioned becoming someone with the capacity to build something meaningful while maintaining vibrant health, presence with my family, and genuine joy in the process.

This vision wasn't about escaping who I was; it was about becoming more fully who I could be.

Compassionate Accountability

Instead of berating yourself for falling short, approach missteps with genuine curiosity. Ask: "What got in the way here? What support do I need? What can I learn from this?"

This isn't lowering your standards; it's upgrading your method. The evidence is clear: shame and self-criticism reduce performance and resilience, while self-compassion enhances them.

Pleasure as Compass

While discipline initially involves discomfort, sustainable discipline eventually creates its own joy. As Aristotle observed, virtue becomes pleasant to the virtuous person.

Pay attention to the emerging pleasure in your disciplined practices. Not the shallow pleasure of immediate gratification, but the deeper satisfaction of alignment with your values.

When I first began prioritising sleep, it felt like a sacrifice. Now, my evening wind-down ritual is something I genuinely look forward to. The pleasure it provides has become a reliable compass pointing toward what serves my highest good.

Integration Over Isolation

True discipline doesn't exist in a vacuum; it integrates seamlessly with the rest of your life.

Instead of creating rigid compartments ("work time" vs. "family time" vs. "health time"), look for practices that serve multiple values simultaneously.

Some of my best strategic thinking happens during long walks – simultaneously serving my physical health, mental clarity, and business growth. This integration makes discipline sustainable, where isolated "optimisation" eventually collapses.

The Transformative Results

When discipline flows from self-love rather than self-hatred, everything changes. You move from:

Resistant compliance to aligned commitment, Exhausting willpower to energising momentum, Fragile achievement to sustainable growth, External validation to internal alignment

At Heights, this shift has been game-changing. Our culture explicitly rejects the burnout model of performance that dominates startup environments. We've built a team that operates from wholeness rather than depletion, and our metrics reflect the power of this approach.

A Question to Carry Forward

As you move into your week, I invite you to consider:

What discipline are you currently maintaining through self-criticism rather than self-love?

And how might your relationship with that practice transform if you approached it from a place of genuine compassion for yourself?

Until Thursday,

Dan

P.S. I'd love to hear about a discipline you've maintained not through force but through genuine love for who you're becoming. These stories remind us that sustainable achievement doesn't require self-brutality – it thrives in its absence.

SOS (Science of Success) Curated:

LinkedIn of the week: Stop calling your company a family.​

Podcast of the week: Maximize Productivity, Physical & Mental Health With Daily Tools.​

My Tweet of the week: Your Problems Aren't In Your Path..​

The Science of Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism

A groundbreaking meta-analysis published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology has upended conventional wisdom about motivation and discipline.

Examining 15 studies with over 3,000 participants, researchers found that self-compassion, not self-criticism, consistently predicted greater persistence, resilience, and achievement across academic, athletic, and professional domains.

The findings are striking: individuals who approached failure with self-compassion showed 34% greater persistence on difficult tasks than those who responded with self-criticism. Even more remarkably, the self-compassionate group demonstrated significantly better performance improvement over time.

The neurobiological explanation is compelling. Self-criticism activates the sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight response), releasing cortisol and adrenaline that impair cognitive function and increase avoidance behaviours. Self-compassion, meanwhile, activates the parasympathetic nervous system and triggers oxytocin and endorphin release, creating an optimal internal environment for learning and growth.

Perhaps most interesting was the study of elite athletes. Contrary to the popular image of the mercilessly self-critical competitor, the highest performers were those who combined high standards with high self-compassion – a combination the researchers termed "loving discipline."

This research challenges our cultural mythology that self-brutality fuels achievement. The data suggests the opposite: sustainable excellence requires treating ourselves with the same kindness and support we would offer a valued colleague or friend.

That's it for this week, btw - I am starting to post more on Instagram so follow me over there (and you'll even see the highly unusual thing I'm doing today on my stories - which for obvious reasons I wont be posting anywhere that doesn't disappear after 24 hours!)

Dan

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1-1 Coaching with Dan

In my goal to help more entrepreneurs/people who are looking to level up their careers, I've just started taking 1-1 consulting calls (only 1 a week)

Why book a call? Some of my expertise/success:

I've built 5 startups. 1 win, 1 fail, and 3 still going.

E-Commerce: Heights — with revenue over $15M a year.

Community: Foundrs, one of the UK's top founder communities

Podcasting: Leaders Media - bootstrapped media company that makes the UK's top business podcasts, Secret Leaders, with over 50M downloads.

Health/Mental Health: Managed to overcome burnout, insomnia, depression & anxiety in pursuit of success as I talk about in my interview with Steven Bartlett on Diary of a CEO​

Angel Investing: I've invested in over 90 startups

Coached & Mentored: Certified coach & done lots of mentoring

Personal Brand: Have grown to 178k on LinkedIn and X (Twitter) in the past 12 months

So if you're interested in booking a session with me to talk all things business or building a personal brand, book for 30-minutes or 45-minutes. (limited spots).

Science of Success Vault

I'm building a vault of valuable tools, resources, and one sheets that I hope help you succeed.

These will be stored in the ever-growing 'Science of Success' vault — you can always access that here

Want to take your success (even more) seriously? 👇​
🧠 Fuel your brain and feed your gut, try Heights here (use code 'SOSDMS' for 15% off your first month of any subscription

🎧 Check out my podcast Secret Leaders here​

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